(i promise this is the last one)
“there is one place i’ve found where you are never excluded. where they let you in with welcome arms. it’s here. it’s this. it’s you and me and this group of people. it’s ours, and we can’t ever let it die.”
my first last curtain call was…emotional to say the least.
my heart is literally aching at the thought of never doing this again. call me dramatic, but after all, this is drama we’re talking about.
i have laughed more in the past two months than i ever have before. i have found the love of my life in theatre.
this week has truthfully been one of the best weeks i’ve ever experienced.
one last time, to all the people who shaped this production, and in that, my life:
you are awesome. you are amazing. and you will go places.
this musical won’t ever really end. the family that came with it won’t ever separate.
because this is ours.
you welcomed this odd little thing with more love than i ever could have imagined. my happiness at knowing all of you is running down my cheeks right now.
i left a piece of my heart on that stage tonight. but it is so incredibly worth it.
so one last, final time:
“it’s family first
and family last
and family by and by!”
two months ago, i walked into the chorus room with shaking hands and no friends.
last night, i ran out onto a stage with with a smile and countless people i call my family. we sang together as we bowed:
“its family first and family last and family by and by!”
as many of you know, since late january, i’ve involved in my high school’s production of the addams family. i never imagined i would end up loving it as much as i have.
in the course of two months, i’ve found myself on a stage. i’ve found people who love me. people who’ll slap me with a makeup brush if i make a joke about being ugly. people who grab my shoulders and whisper encouragement in my ear. people who i can be myself with.
i’ve been told countless times that i lost a bit of the sadness in my eyes.
now you might walk into my home and see me singing and dancing to “when you’re an addams” as dramatically as possible. now you might walk into a theatre and see me laughing with a friend.
last night i got upset and started crying because i realized that after this sunday, there are some seniors who i’m friends with who i may never see again. but one of them reminded me of these lines from one of our songs:
the moment we start weeping,
that’s when we should smile.
in every heaven, you’ll find some hell.
and there’s a welcome in each farewell.
life can be harsh, the future strict
so let’s be happy
and a tiny bit sad.
i have never had a feeling like the feeling i have when i am doing what i love with these beautiful people. i will miss it more than anyone knows.
so let’s be happy. forever happy. completely happy.
and a tiny bit sad.
today i’m gonna talk about someone very important to me. i’m sure some of you guys are done hearing about him, but i have to- especially today.
today, march 28, 2019, marks one year since my friend, timmy, took his own life.
this post won’t have a lot of info on my grief, rather, it’ll be a celebration of this beautiful human i got to know!! because wow, he was awesome!
by most people’s standards, timmy and i didn’t know each other very well. we didn’t have a conventional friendship. but then again, neither of us were very conventional. we grew up in the same town, running around on the same sidewalks, wandering across the same mountains.
but we became friends during the fall of 2017.
music brought us together, which is only fitting. music is huge in our town. it’s only right that’s what we had in common. we danced and sang to music so beautiful, it cannot be described.
i’ve never been very confident, but he showed me how to be myself. he loved me for who i was. told me i had worth. showed me how to love passionately.
gave a bit of sunshine to this cloudy girl.
today marks one year since he died, shattering countless hearts. the entire world was set off balance without his bright smile. just knowing he was gone was earth-rocking.
but before he left, he was here. he was important. he was loved. radiant. beautiful.
so to you, lova lova. a boy who was laughter. a boy who’ll never be forgotten. a boy whose life was startlingly radiant with passionate love.
to you, all this and more.
i love and miss you beyond all our sunsets.
to the beautiful human who is reading this:
the first thing i want to tell you is that you are worth more than you could ever imagine. a specific value could never be placed on your precious life; it is far more than all the rubies this earth has to offer.
the love i feel for your sweet soul cannot be expressed with meager words.
your worth cannot be found in even the most beautiful feelings you and i have ever felt. you’re worth more than the feeling you have when someone smiles at you, worth more than that feeling when the sun sets and casts its rays on you, worth more than the most beautiful thing you’ve ever felt.
you are so incredibly loved, no matter what.
you’re indescribably gorgeous. radiant in yourself. more than beautiful than the mountains that form the horizon.
everything you need is in yourself. you are not what others say. that does not matter. you are everything that made you and is molding you, everything and everyone you ever loved.
all the love you need is in yourself. there is a person who’ll recognize your value but until they do, you are all you need.
the things you’ve seen- those dark, horrific images that torment you at night -they do not define you. they do not make you messed-up or broken. they make you strong.
they won’t ever leave you, but beloved one, they are what shapes you.
and they are the reason you can understand others.
you are an incomprehendable mosaic of color and light.
and i love you.
this week, as y’all know, is the one year anniversary of when i lost a friend.
but next week, although it holds painful memories for me, is also the week i get to do what i love for the first time, with people i love.
it’s the week i get to show off a bit of my passion.
for the first thirteen years of my life, i wasn’t very interested in the arts, especially not theatre or dancing. but when i met timothy, he taught me how to dance.
the dance was nothing official. just twirls mostly.
over the past year, there have been so many times you could walk into my room and hear music playing from my radio and see me dancing however i liked.
again, nothing official. nothing that i could perform.
at the beginning of january, i was approached about performing in a spring musical. i was hesitant at first. i had no natural talent. i would have to audition. i was scared.
but i said i would try it.
and then i backed out.
but then, i got an email that gave me the chance to still be a part of the production without auditioning. a role as a minor character, a part of the ensemble. singing and dancing.
and so i began.
i found a home in the theatre and chorus room, where a ragbag of misfits comes together and only three words can describe it:
beautiful, passionate isanity
and i fit right in.
for the first month, i scoped things out. i mostly stuck to people i already knew.
but then i began making friends. and more friends.
and even more. by mid-march, i had people in spring musical who i considered my closest friends. we went out into my town one day- five of us -promoting the musical. we danced and laughed down the streets more than i had in years. i was free to be me.
because that’s why i love this so much. yes, it’s my passion. yes, i love the people.
but the reason i’m passionate and love the people is this:
it makes me free.
free to be me.
when i start moving my body so quickly i cannot think, it is there and it is then and nothing else matters. all my pain, all my worries, all the horrible things i’ve seen, it all disappears and morphs into movement. i find everything i ever needed as i dance- all i need is in that moment, in myself and the people i love. and so we don’t do it for the audience. we do it, perhaps selfishly.
so this week, as i perform on a stage for the first time, its gonna be new. it’s gonna be different. it’s gonna be hard, at times.
but i can be free.
and that is worth everything.
for a while now, i’ve been getting a lot of complaints.
my family and some of my friends like to sigh and ask why in the world i talk so much about so many different people. they ask why i care so much, why it seems to engulf my life sometimes- this introvert’s love for people.
i like to say its because people are my happy place.
for about twelve years, people called me “backward.” if you’re not familiar with that word, its what old farmers would call quiet children.
i may have been a wild little thing, but i was extremely shy.
many things have happened over the past year that have forced me to become more friendly. it began much before that, but especially in the past year.
so what do i mean when i say, “people are my happy place?”
it doesn’t mean they don’t stress me out. it doesn’t mean i always love them, or show i love them.
just the opposite.
people freakin’ stress me out. so much. i have moments during the day where i almost lose it because i’m so stressed about people.
when i lost timothy, all the things i wanted to tell him spilled out into this overwhelming love for people.
not specific people, necessarily.
but just people.
i have a reputation for knowing people. and i do. i know a freakin ton of people. so many, it scares me sometimes.
i have a lot of different impressions i make on people. part of that has to do with my personality.
sometimes i come across as shy. sometimes i play the extrovert. sometimes i come across as expressive. sometimes reclused. sarcastic, but friendly. happy, but pessmistic and dark. loving, but unfeeling. mildly insane is how some people describe me. quiet, but there’s the occasional moment i have a moment. a lot of my buddies at school think i hate everyone. but then there’s others who hear me say: “i love so-and-so!” a million times a day.
they know better.
i give off a lotttt of different feelings.
i have my best friends, who i love with all my heart.
i have my favorites. people whose personalities make my heart happy. most often- extroverts who smile a lot.
i have my little people- the kids i call my sweets.
and i have person upon person who just doesn’t fit into a specific category.
beautiful, beautiful people who are worth more than rubies.
recently, there’s been one person who’s been giving me a lottt of issues. this person walked into my life into a weird way, has stayed there a weird way, and will most likely continue to be there a weird way. i’ve went through phases where i’ve hated this person, but i always come back to caring too much for them. i’m at a standstill, unfortunately.
the hundreds of beautiful people who pass through my life mean the world to me. i lose my mind each day over them. i have a lot of issues. they have a lot of issues.
but i love them with this overwhelming passion i cannot quench.
so people are my happy place.
hello there, friend.
before i do anything else, i want to let you know this isn’t a normal blog. it isn’t organized. it isn’t official. it has nothing to do with a lot of parts of my life that some of you have seen before.
it has more to do with the jumbled up mess that really, truly is me.
if you’re a jumbled up mess too, i’d love to have you.