my mountains

home is within. within me are mountains.

aimee brown

below are pictures from grandfather mountain, craggy gardens, the blue ridge parkway, and other areas near my hometown in the nc mountains.

4th of july fireworks

this was a ridiculous overload of pictures, but here we are.

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rearranging

as most people know, i love mbti personality types. i’m an infj. one of the most interesting things i’ve read about my personality type is that we’re very good at “rearranging priorities.”

when i first read that i didn’t know what to think of it. i pushed it out of my mind until a few months ago, i saw another article that mentioned that infjs were talented at “redefining priorities.”

and i realized that that was what i had been doing all my life, but most especially over the past few months. it’s something i’ve recently embraced as a strength, one of the few characteristics i have that actually seem positive.

one year ago, if you asked me what the most important thing in my life was, i probably would have said writing books. now, there is no way i could say that. when people remind me that i was planning on having another two books out by now, i get uncomfortable. if they ask me if i’m writing still, i can’t breathe. because i know where i thought i’d be, and i know what i was then, and what i told people i was, but i absolutely cannot dream of being there now. of that being the most important thing in my life now.

three months ago, theatre, dancing, singing, and the addams family was the love of my life. i was living in passion and new understanding i hadn’t known before and i thought it would last forever. it didn’t. i thought i would minor in theatre in college. now that makes me feel uncomfortable. now i blush when i think of all the passion i threw into it, how much i talked about being the stage. i learned something from it, and i will always love it, and i’ll be on a stage again someday, but it is not the love of my life as i thought.

because i am constantly, mentally rearranging what’s important what’s not, sometimes i suddenly look up and realize, “oh wow, that thing that was really important to me isn’t actually that important now!” in fact, i might hate it. it makes the separation, the letting-go of things i cared about a little easier. allows me to figure out exactly what i’m doing.

things change everyday. what i love evolves, how i feel about things moves.

i’m growing used to this ever-changing thing. this moving and exploring and figuring it out. somehow i feel as if part of me has always been waiting for these months and weeks and days where i feel myself finding myself.

here i am. not the same as i was yesterday or ever. so changed constantly.

i’m living in this journey and finding that maybe this, this amazing self-discovery, is my real passion.

so i’ll keep going.

and it’ll all be okay.

today is your birthday.

eighteen years ago today, you drew your first breath. it’s impossible to believe its been over a year since you drew your last one.

i never celebrated a birthday with you while you were alive. at this point, the time i knew you as my friend is less than the time you’ve spent in heaven.

but the impact you’ve had on my life is impossible to describe. people call me crazy because i’ve not forgotten you. they don’t understand the love that practically poured out of you. they never saw your comforting smile.

today i went to the grave for the first time. i sat there and talked to you for longer than i ever got to talk to you when you were alive. it still doesn’t seem real. i believe it. but somehow i still expect you to run up and hug me one morning in the guard room.

my feelings are a whirlwind. i’ve not been the same since you left this world.

i miss you, timothy.

happy birthday, sunshine.

smile so radiant it put the sun to shame